Metroid Prime: Screwed Up Version
by Jdniscool
Summary: Metroid Prime... with a twist! Also Microsoft Sam is Samus's side-kick, So that's a bonus laugh to all you viewers! Rated M for swearing and stupidity... A LOT! of stupidity. What are you waiting for Metroid fans? You should take a seat while reading this too... Also when this book is finished prepare for Metroid Prime 2: screwed up version!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Neptin The Sanghelie (sorry if I spelled your name wrong) inspired me to write this. (I am not affiliated with his stories, although I am a huge fan of his halo screwed up stories, if you are reading this Neptin, then thank you for the awesome stories they make my day. :) *Disclaimer:* I don't own Metroid, Nintendo/Retro Studios do. This is a non-profit work of art. Now that that is out of the way let's begin the adventure! **

Our story begins with a view of space that slowly pans right to a view of the majestic planet Tallon IV. Then the camera guy gets yanked through so we see a space station. An orange ship comes flying along and stops next to te spaze stasion, a hath opens up and a warrior stands out, she then makes a giant leap from te ship and lands, then falls head over heels. "DAMN IT" the warrior known as Samus Aran yelled while painfully getting up. A message popped up on her hud that said press a to shoot. 'I don't need a fucking tutorial' she thought. Blah blah blah more tutorial shit. (I decided I skip) she then sees a door leading into te spaze stasion Samus shoots it, but it didn't open. "HURRY THE FUCK UP, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!" She screams at the door. The door opens but before she can go in it closes on her. Samus was pissed beyond pissed and and punched the hexagon shaped door and it broke. "That's what you deserve" she whispered. The door led to a hallway where another door stood. Samus then got down on her knees and prayed to the chozo for the door to work. "Bless the holy lord Cheezus and Chod. Amen." She finished praying and shot the door. It didn't budge. She then flipped off the Chozo heavens and screamed in rage. She then noticed that the door wasn't outlined in te usual blue color. Samus saw a panel and used her scan visor to scan it. The data read as follows in microsoft Sam's voice.: LOLZ, you are a stupid bitch. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Then the door had the outline on it and she shot it and stepped through. 'Ugh I should not have chose Windows XP as my scan visor's operating system' Samus thought. Her vision then returned to te room and it wuz BIG! (Like my dick!... Uh... Sorry getting off topic... Um...) she also saw a large, deceased creature thing. She scanned it and the data read in Microsoft Sam's voice: Luk at tat big creeture it haz been deceased for a long times. "Shut up Sam" Samus Said. She then saw a space pirate that was near death but still alive (o_o) she then went over to it and took a shit on it. (Why the fuck did she do that?!) Samus then shot the next door and went into a hallway named the "deck alpha hall" and saw a large pile up of (Tourette's Guy voice) SHIT!... It wasn't literally shit, but it was close enough. She then saw a message on her hud from Microsoft Sam that said: *Hold down te "A" Butten to charge up yor shot, ten ruhleese sed Butten to shoot te charged shot* "I DON'T NEED A FUCKING TUTORIAL, SAM!" She yelled. She blasted te rubble and pushed onward. Te room led to another hallway... BUT then a cutscene played and te camera guy got on all fours to film two parasite things crawl into a small square hole. Then te cutscene ended and Samus stood there like da faq? But then she rolled into her morph ball and shouted "SHIT! I FORGOT HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO ROLL UP IN THIS TINY BALL!" She then rolled in the tunnel while occasionally letting out a cuss or two. She unmorphed and saw a hologram of a map. She walked in to it and a cutscene played. Camera guy films Samus looking out a window and putting her arm cannon inside a tube, while giving off small moans of pleasure. Then te cutscene ended and all of a sudden music started to play and sound like this (before you read the it, read the music as the upgrade acquired song. Cuz that's what it is)DADA DADADA DADADDADUUUHHHH 'I'm a badass' Samus thought. Microsoft Sam got pissed cuz he wanted the windows xp start up sound to play. (Skip Samus going back into morph ball tunnel, cuz I'm to lazy to write that part LOLZ.) Samus shot te door to te next room, te room was very small with nothing in it, Samus used her scan visor to scan it and a cutscene played with te camera looking at Samus from behind as she turns to look at the elevator hologram icon. Samus steps into the elevator icon and it fades away and the elevator breaks and Samus falls down the 27 foot shaft, she landed and swore yet again. M.S just chuckled. Samus saw another door and shot it open and stepped through. She then used an action replay to skip a few rooms (cuz I'm lazy) and ended up in a wide room with a lot of pod holding creetures in them. One pod was making a bunch of noise and growling in pleasure, it was two side-hoppers mating. Samus just walked through a door to the next room feeling disgusted. (Skipping ahead cuz I'm lazy) Samus then appeared in a room where two turrets where shooting at her she asked them to stop and they stopped. She then saw a side door and went in it, it was a save room and she saved her game (how did she know that?) Anyways she went into the next room. **Author's Note: te= the. Also the misspelled words are on purpose. Stay tuned for chapter 2, Rate and Review :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello guys and girls. I'm back for some more writing. Let's begin. Oh and remember the scan visor is Microsoft Sam and when I say I'm lazy it means that I'm having a little fun with the book.**

A loading animation played that said "Frigate Orpheon." Our hero is shown with healing lasers beamed onto her. "OW FUCK SHIT!" Samus screamed.

Turns out the lasers were dangerous.

Samus shot the door open and was greeted by 2 hostile turrets.

She disposed of them and rolled into morph ball mode to activate the big door ahead of her.

"Ugh" Samus groaned in agony because her morph ball was crushing her. The door opened and a cutscene played of Samus walking on to a platform and then the platform descended. Samus looked up at a large tube in the room and heard a roar.

It was the parasite queen.

"Someone got pumped with GMO's." Samus said.

The parasite queen roared.

Samus killed it and a voice said "evacuate immediately, reacter core meltdown."

A timer appeared in Samus's HUD counting down.

Samus blasted through some doors and found Meta Ridley waiting for her.

Meta Ridley said "sup bitch?" Then flew away like the cowardly bastard he was.

"LOOLOLLILOLOLOL" exclaimed Microsoft Sam.

Samus ignored him and used her grapple beam to get over a 2 foot pit.

She then scanned an elevator but then an explosion knocked her back and she lost pretty much all her items in which I'm too lazy to list. She then went into her ship to follow Ridley.

**Sorry for rushing guys. But I have lost motivation for this story. IT IS NOT DEAD OR ON HIATUS. Please review, I need the motivation to continue **


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: so… I guess I'm finally back to working on this story, huh? I've taken a long break from Fanfiction in general so we will see how Chapter 3 works out.**

Samus was in her gunship to which she proceeded to turn on the thrusters to their full power… And crashed into Ridley and they both died!

Jk

Samus turned her thrusters to full power and screamed "AUTOBOTS! ROLL OUT!" But then Bumble Bee suddenly appeared and threatened to sue Samus. Samus flipped him off and continued to chase Ridley.

(Time skip cuz I don't feel like writing! :P)

"Take a look around children" A chozo mentor said to the chozo children. "On this beautiful planet of Tallon IV, the lush and green plants of Tallon Overworld"- a child interrupted her and said "what's that?" The mentor looked up at the rapidly approaching orange object and screamed "OH FU-!" The Orange object SLAMMED into the mentor and all the children making Samus's green ship visor red from all of the blood.

Samus halted the ship and got out through the hatch in the top and saw the chaotic scene of mangled and ripped bodies. All of a sudden a booming voice called out "DOUBLE KILL, TRIPLE KILL, MULTI-KILL, KILLTACULAR, KILLTROCITY, KILLAMANJARO, KILLTASTROPHE, KILLPOCALPYSE, KILLIONAIRE, SPLATTER SPREE, ROAD TRIP, ZOMBIE KILLING SPREE (chozo aren't zombies?! •_•) K-K-K-K-K-KOMBO KILL, HOLY SHIT!"

Samus felt like a badass and did a stupid, goofy pose. She then went to each chozo body and teabagged them. Samus looked around at the lush environment and looked up and saw droplets on her visor. "It's raining…. Great."

Samus then got an idea, she jumped back onto her ship and went to the right side of it and activated her scan visor. She scanned a fruit of a tree and it said "Cannot scan, out of range." Samus them dashed to the right and opened a door. (Why does she know how to sequence break? •_•) and saw the space jump boots she touched them but then a pillar crashed onto her and crushed her to de

ath. Her suit message said "no cheating." 'Damn!' Samus thought and respawned. Samus popped out of the ship hatch and went into a door on her lower right. Five beetle-like creatures popped out, Samus just kicked them and stomped on them apparently forgetting that she had her arm cannon and shot the door to the next room. She saw a few platforms and land-urchins (not their real name in the game but cut me a break, I'm lazy.)

Samus saw a boost ball ramp and morphed into her ball and groaned in pain. 'Not even a Russian contortionist could withstand this.' She thought. She rolled right and left on the ramp but to no avail, 'damn' she thought and unmorphed. She shot open another door and came to an empty room with a scan post. She scanned it and it said "Acces denied, piss off Samus."

Samus punched the panel and a holographic icon appeared she stepped into it and flew up the elevator so fast that she was forced onto her back and could not get up due to the air pressure (what do you know? I guess you do learn stuff at school.) she came to the top of the floor but the elevator did not stop there "WAIT! STOP!" Samus shrieked before the elevator slammed into the ceiling and killed her instantly. 'Fuck me! Not again!' Samus thought. Samus's vision went to black and on her visor it said "Tallon Overworld" Samus thought 'son of a bitch! I forgot to save my game!'

**Well that's all for today folks! Remember to R&amp;R. **


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